


Inhumanely Human

by YouAreMyHappilyEverAfter



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Carlos is Inhuman, Drabble Collection, Eldritch Abomination Cecil, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-08-20 09:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16553570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouAreMyHappilyEverAfter/pseuds/YouAreMyHappilyEverAfter
Summary: Drabble collection written and created by Ibelieveinahappilyeverafter and Kasena. Comprised of a multitude of AUs, often centering around the relationship between Cecil Gershwin Palmer and Carlos The Scientist.





	1. Feather (feat Inhuman Carlos

Carlos stared in the mirror and felt his heart drop. He felt himself start to panic and his mind race out of control, which, really, he was justified. His hair was now turning into fucking  _feathers_. No- No, see, the thing that Carlos really hated was that he wasn't panicking over that so much as the fact of  _what if Cecil saw_. Cecil had always loved Carlos' hair, and now there was less hair and it was turning into  _feathers_  around his sideburns. He had arranged an angry mob to attack the local barber just because Carlos had gone and gotten a haircut!

Like, okay, granted Telly had taken off more hair than even Carlos had been comfortable with, but  _still_. He couldn't- He couldn't let Cecil see. Maybe- Maybe he could just pluck them out? Right, just like with eyebrows. Girls did that all the time. He knew he had a pair of tweezers lying around here somewhere… Aha! Examining himself a bit closer, Carlos tilted his head. The feathers were small, like they were just budding on a chick. That was a little insulting.

Placing the tweezers against one of the feathers, Carlos gave a small pull and was immediately hit with such a feeling of wrong he was dropping the tweezers into the sink and stumbling back and what the hell was that? No, right, okay, no tweezers. Just… Just use his fingers to pluck it out- Fuck, he couldn't do it, it hurt, and it felt wrong to pluck them, and it  _hurt_  how did girls do it all the time?! Fuck, okay, he could just… He could wear a hat. He had a beanie or something around here and if Cecil asked then he could say it was for science! Yes- Okay. He just- He just had to get to the lab. He had to try and see what Night Vale was doing to him now. Hearing a knock on the door, Carlos flinched. He forgot he'd agreed to get a coffee with Cecil. Okay. Okay okay.

"Just a minute!" Tearing through his apartment, Carlos quickly dug out an outfit, threw his lab coat on, and paused before pulling a hat on as he looked to his fake potted fern where the Secret Police Officer assigned to him was. "Two things. One, don't tell Cecil about the feathers. Two, the hat ban was lifted, right?"

"The hat ban is in effect for two more minutes, Mister the Scientist."

"Thanks, Cathy," Carlos said quickly, keeping his hat in hand. "Two minutes, Cecil! I need to, uh, get- Get a thing! For science!" Stupid, stupid,  _stupid._

"Get a thing for science? I thought you did that yesterday morning!"

"Aha, well, you know. Science!" Kill him.

Somehow - he wasn't sure how - Carlos managed to keep the door shut for two minutes before he had the hat crammed onto his head and was opening the door to Cecil smiling warmly at him. "So, uh, coffee?"

"I already brought you yours, and since we're scheduled for a time anomaly today, I'm not due in for another five hours."

"Oh- Great! That's great!" Five hours. Five hours trying to keep this new feathered mystery underwraps. "I need to go into the lab later today, but, uh, we can- We can walk around town a little bit first, if you want."

"A walk around town sounds fantastic! Have you had your weekly Rico's slice?"

"Not yet. I've been meaning to, but things got busy lately." Which, if Carlos didn't figure out this feather thing soon, it was going to get even worse.

Cecil grinned at him. "Well then why don't we just go now? It'll be fun!"

"I- Yeah. Sure." A quick bite at Rico's wouldn't hurt, after all.

"Great, let's go! Oh, by the way, there's a big sand storm moving in, minus the sand, of course."

"A- What?" Carlos frowned, absently squeezing Cecil's hand back when the man was quick to take it. "So just- Just the wind, then?" That was strange.

"Right. Just the wind."

"Is that normal? For Night Vale weather?"

"Well sure it is. We get a storm like this once every six point three weeks, silly Carlos."

"Really?" Carlos didn't remember getting a wind storm six point three weeks ago. "Huh." Seeing Cecil looking at him, Carlos nervously tugged his hat down. "What?" Cecil stared a moment longer before his smile only grew and he looped their arms together, tugging Carlos along.

"Come on, sweet Carlos." Refusing to admit to himself that he was probably blushing, Carlos relaxed against Cecil and let himself be pulled along and, right. Feathers. Probably just some Night Vale version of 'bird flu'. Right? The moment the two stepped outside, they were assaulted with hurricane-like winds. "It's one of the nicer storms."

" _This_  is nicer?" Carlos tucked himself a little more against Cecil, free hand clutching at his hat so he didn't lose it. "Shouldn't we be finding shelter?"

"What? Don't be ridiculous, silly Carlos. This is nothing!"

"This really doesn't seem like nothing," Carlos huffed, shivering as the winds got stronger for a moment. "Come on. You can stay at the lab until you have to go to the station."

"Alright, right after we get a slice- Oh, Carlos, your hat!" Carlos said some rather colorful words that probably would have had his mother aghast with horror, but Carlos thought they were rather well-used in the moment because  _his hat was gone_.

"Lab! Gotta go right now sorry we'll get pizza later!" Maybe if he ran fast enough Cecil wouldn't notice.

"What- Carlos, what about Rico's?"

"Sorry, Cecil, but I really, really,  _really_  have to go right now." He had pulled up his lab coat collar as much as possible as soon as his hat was cruelly ripped away from him by fate, but he didn't count on  _that_  lasting very long.

" _Carlos!_ "

Fucking Night Vale.

::

So, okay, maybe it was wrong for Carlos to hide from his boyfriend by using the excuse of science, but he was  _technically_  doing science. He just… How did this feather thing start happening, even? "Morning, Carlos. You're here early," Tabitha said behind him. "Hope you had your coffee, then."

"Earlier today. Hey, let me ask you something, are there any diseases or anything where people start sprouting feathers?"

Tabitha thought about it for a moment. "No, not anymore. That one died out about two centuries back."

"Any kind where hair turns into feathers?"

Tabitha laughed. "Now you're just making these things up."

"Ha… ha. Yeah." Oh, no. If a Night Vale scientist said he was making things up then he was well and truly fucked. "So, hey, we have the DNA testing kits still, right?"

"Right. You need one?"

"Yeah… Yeah, Tabitha, I think I do." Maybe he was just jumping to conclusions, but... These kits were meant to find supernatural irregularities in the blood - like what most Night Vale citizens had. Only a few moments passed before the testing kit was set down in front of him.

"Did you find a new sample?" Right. There were two ways to play this and Carlos had long ago realized that keeping secrets in Night Vale didn't end up going well.

"I think there might be something wrong with me, but I'm not sure what." As he spoke, he readied a slide with a drop of his blood. "Don't tell Cecil I'm worried, though. I don't want him to worry."

Tabitha stood beside him now. "...Feathers. Huh. Haven't seen anything like that in a long time."

"You've seen it before, though?" Carlos perked up at once. "What? When? Who?"

"A woman, a long time ago. She reminds me of you a little. She was a vila, and she lived in Night Vale for a while, but she ended up moving away."

"A vila?" Carlos frowned, and… "I haven't heard that word in a while." Not since he heard stories his mother had told him about all the 'mythical' creatures of the world. Vila had been her favorite. "She's not here anymore, then?"

"No, she left, and we never saw her come back." Weird, but it was Night Vale.

"Well, considering Vila are all women, I think we can rule that theory out."

Tabitha shrugged, going back to her own project. "Just telling you what I know, boss."

"Let me know if you remember anything else," Carlos hummed, getting the slide inserted and waiting a few moments for the result that would tell him that he was human with some curse or disease in him and- Oh. Well. Shit. Tabitha only gave him a vague hum, the sound of sparks coming from her work station, but Carlos wasn't particularly focused on it, in that moment.

The kit was telling him he was half human and, well. It was a Night Vale kit. Night Vale was many things, but it didn't lie. So- Shit. That-  _Shit_. Maybe the City Council had altered his DNA in some way when he was asleep? That seemed likely. He would need to research this in depth- Hang on- "Tabitha, didn't I take a sample of myself three months ago?"

"In the cooler, Boss," Tabitha called back. "Had to fight Cecil for it when he saw it, but I won him over by offering pictures of you asleep at your desk."

"Wait- Hang on- You what? He tried to steal  _DNA samples_  of me?"

"I think he had an idea for your sixth-month anniversary or something, but like I said, I fought him off," Tabitha waved her hand as if this was no big deal. "He really liked the pictures."

"I'm sure he did," Carlos said, running a hand through his hair- "Ah-  _Mierda de-!_ "

"Boss? What's up?" Tabitha blinked up at him in vague concern.

"The feathers- They don't like being touched."

"Your feathers… don't like being touched." Aah, he really was shit out of luck if  _Tabitha_  was looking at him oddly.

"No, they don't, and as I tried to calm my hair down a bit…"

"Ah. Well, I wouldn't worry about it. Hey, why didn't you want me to tell Cecil?"

"Because my hair is turning into feathers. My hair, that Cecil adores above everything else. Do you know what that would do to him?"

"Probably give him a new kink." He needed a new intern. Right now. This second. "It's Cecil. He probably already knows, Boss."

" _What?!_  What do you mean he already knows- Hang on, how much longer until his show?"

"Seven minutes and twenty-seven seconds."

"Turn on the radio. If he knows, he won't hesitate to report on this."

Tabitha sighed but got up and turned the radio on before sitting back down and huffing to herself. "You could just  _ask_  him, you know."

"But if I ask if he knows, and he  _doesn't,_  then I'll have to tell him!"

"He's the Voice of Night Vale," Tabitha sighed. "He knows. He knows everything -  _especially_  when it comes to you, Boss. Jeez, you've heard him when you get hurt. Remember the bowling alley? He was just about ready to break down on the air."

"You know, I still don't know exactly how he knows everything- I'll have to ask him later, maybe get a sample from him, he'd be ecstatic I'm focusing my science on  _him-_  That's not the point, here!"

"What  _is_  the point, here?" Tabitha sounded almost bored by his emotional turmoil. She was too good of a scientist.

Carlos finally sighed, resting his chin in his hands. "What if he doesn't like it?"

"He loves you, doesn't he?" Tabitha finally turned to look at him, giving a bit of a smile. "C'mon, Boss. You know better by now. You've heard all his shows, too."

"But he still might not like it."

"No, but he'll still love you. Stop whining and go talk to him before you ruin the experiments with your emotions. Audrey II looks hungry again."

Sighing as he rose from his seat, Carlos ran a hand through his hair, careful to avoid the new feathers. "You think I should?"

"If it gets you to stop worrying then yes, you should. Besides, it's Cecil. You're perfect to him."

"How soon until the show starts?"

"Four minutes, two seconds. Enough time for a phone call."

"What- You said  _go_  talk to him- That's not enough time before his show starts! I can't do this over the phone!"

"Call him, tell him you want to talk after the show, and then stop worrying. That simple!"

"Tell him I want to talk? Won't he worry if I tell him that without any context?"

As answer, Tabitha pointed at the phone, turned her back, and went back to her experiment. "Two minutes, fifty-two seconds." Carlos looked down at the phone, back to the clock, and at the radio.

"Oh, fuck-" Carlos pushed his phone into his pocket and ran out the door. He heard Tabitha laughing behind him, but- This wasn't something he could do over the phone! Carlos had  _had_  those types of relationships, and he refused to let his and Cecil's relationship be like that. He could- He could make it. Probably.

Getting to the station, Carlos hurried through the halls to Cecil's room, cursing at the light outside. Of course he was already on the air. He stood in front of the window, waving to get Cecil's attention. It didn't seem to be working, but, well, Carlos wasn't too surprised. Cecil hyper-focused on the news like Carlos did science. Maybe- "I like your feathers, Mister the Scientist. Very neat! You'll have to wait for the weather to talk to Cecil, though."

"Yes, I know, I was hoping he'd wrap it up quickly. I  _really_  need to talk to him- You like them?"

"They look really good!" The intern chirped, Carlos trying to figure out if there was an  _actual_  chirp in those words. "The weather should start soon. You can wait here and then go in when the lights flicks off. I need to go downtown and sit in on the meeting City Council is giving now."

"Right, yes," he said with a short nod. "Thank you. You should go." The intern left with another bright little grin and Carlos knew without a doubt that Night Vale would deal with them before the weak was out. Some interns left for other jobs or, in Dana's case, became Mayor, but… Interns couldn't last here. Not for so long as Night Vale needed Cecil as her Voice. Carlos watched the light, tapping his foot impatiently and running a hand through his hair again. Why did he have to take so long to get the news out? Oh, Cecil, poor opinionated, rambling Cecil.

It felt like an  _eternity_  until the light flicked off, Carlos launching himself at the door and giving a little knock before opening it carefully. As always, he took a moment to appreciate the sight of Cecil in his element. Carlos sighed, watching him before finally clearing his throat. "Cecil?"

"Carlos!" Cecil pushed out his seat a small amount, beaming at him and relaxing. "Are you alright? You rushed off so quickly this morning, I was worried."

"I- Yes, well- I…" Huh. Cecil wasn't saying anything about the feathers in his hair. "That's actually what I'm here to talk to you about. I was trying to hide something from you, but I think you might have already known." Cecil didn't seem to even notice the feathers.

Cecil's head tilted and he always seemed so  _innocent_  in moments like these. "Really? What is it? Is it about your hair changing color?"

"No, it's more about the-" Carlos' mouth shut with an audible click followed by a dry swallow. "It's what."

"Oh, don't worry, sweet Carlos, it flatters you, I think. It looks so sophisticated." Sophisticated-

"Am I  _grey_?!" Carlos was already frantically looking around for a mirror before making due with his phone and oh,  _god_. This- Well, it was a good thing his mother wasn't here to hear all his swearing.

"What's wrong, Carlos?" Cecil was looking over his shoulder. "White-gold looks good on you."

"My hair shouldn't look like this at  _all_ \- Cecil. Cecil, it's not normal for humans to have their hair turning into feathers."

"Well, no, of course not, silly Carlos. That rarely ever happens to  _humans._ "

"Yeah…" Carlos swallowed again and remembered the flashing results of the DNA test. "I'm… I'm human, though, Cecil. I'm human." R… Right? Now Cecil was looking at him strangely.

"Half human, sure- Carlos, what is all this about?" Feeling rather unsteady, Carlos took a moment to study his response and think on the differences between fainting and blacking out before he heard laughter and oh- That hysterical laughter was him.

"Fine- It's fine! I just thought I was completely 100% human until I woke up with my hair turned into feathers this morning!"

"You thought-" Cecil cursed. "The weather is ending. You sit here, we'll talk more, I need to get back to it." Cecil drew Carlos close and kissed him gently before pushing him into the chair across from his desk. He sat back down in his regular spot. "Welcome back, listeners, wouldn't you believe it, sweet caring Carlos came to visit me in the station during the weather. Say hello, Carlos."

"Wha-  _Cecil._  You know how unprofessional it is for me to just-" Ah, shit. He was already talking, wasn't he? Sighing, Carlos shook his head. "Hello, Night Vale." Honestly, his boyfriend would never change. At least- At least he could zone out, like this. Listen to Cecil's voice and try to compartmentalize what was going on in his life.

"Oh, you listeners know how shy sweet Carlos is. And has everyone seen his hair? It is so wonderfully perfect- And speaking of perfect, Big Rico's has just released a new topping…"

The show continued on as normal and Carlos allowed himself to relax bit-by-bit, although he was still rather tense, he supposed. Just- If he was half human then that meant one of his parents had to be… not. They were both so normal, though! His dad worked for a software firm and his mother was an interior designer! Cecil seemed to be getting really into whatever bit he was on, maybe he should listen- "-and wouldn't you know it, listeners, that Steve Carlsburg sent me a letter-" Unimportant.

Alright, so it was either his father or his mother, that was the only thing that made sense. His father was… Mm. Okay, so, this had to come from his mother's side of the family. Maybe it was a recessive gene trait- Yes. That could make sense. Well… Cecil did know everything… Maybe he somehow knew something about all of this? Carlos would need to ask him. The show seemed like it was wrapping up, and Cecil had wanted to talk about it so that- That was good. "That's all for now, listeners… Good night, Night Vale."

There was a click and Carlos knew that Cecil was off the air, his shoulders releasing all tension. Carlos couldn't help his small smile. "You were great."

"You weren't listening to a word I was saying. Always in your head, dear Carlos."

"Mm, a little, but I don't need to listen to know you were amazing." Carlos' smile dropped a little, his breath becoming a bit shaky. "So… Half-human." Cecil only gave him a nod.

"You didn't know?"

"Not at all," Carlos sighed. "I didn't- I was never told anything  _like this_."

"Oh, Carlos, come here." Cecil held his arms out to Carlos.

Carlos didn't waste a second to go over to Cecil and collapse against him, crawling into his lap and holding himself close to Cecil and  _God_  that was already so much better. "I thought you'd be upset."

"Silly Carlos, why on Earth would I be upset you're a vila?"

"Well, my- Wait." Carlos blinked, stared, closed his eyes for a few moments, stared again, and, nope. Still not making sense. "No- No? I'm not?"

"What do you mean? Of course you are, Carlos."

"I… Vila can only be women?" That- That was how all the stories went, right?

"Well, in most cases, but you're also not a full vila." Cecil smiled at him. "You're Carlos."

That… both helped and did not at all help. Honestly, it was just- "That woman." It… It couldn't be. "I was speaking with Tabitha and- Was there a Vila who lived here in Night Vale?"

"Well sure there was. Let's see… In  _plain_  regular years it was probably… Thirty or so years ago she left."

"Huh." Thirty years. It… It'd probably fit. "So, um, is there- Do you know what she looked like, maybe?"

"Like any other Vila, really. She glowed a nice soft white, she always wore white, sometimes she wore a nice royal blue, and her hair was always immaculate."

"Uh huh." Carlos pulled his phone out and quickly went through it before pulling up a picture of his mother and he almost hoped he was wrong. "She look like this?"

Cecil brightened. "Oh, you know Eulalie? How has she been?"

"Good, good. Worries about me. You know how mothers are." Okay. His mother was a vila. Alright. That- That probably could have been mentioned sooner.

"Oh, she's a mother now? How nice for her! She always had wanted to settle down." Ah, right. Socially inept and clueless. Perfect.

"Cecil. She's my mother."

"...Oh." There it was- Oh- Oh, that was nice. Whatever that was.

"Mm. Oh." He just- Why would his mother never tell him even after she knew he was going to Night Vale and- That felt  _so_  nice, honestly.

"I'm supposing you're going to talk to her and ask her about all of this? There isn't all that much about being a vila, especially half of one."

"Cecil, my hair is… is made of feathers…" Carlos pressed against Cecil's gentle fingers and wait a minute. "Is that why you were so angry at Telly?"

"A little. And not all of your hair is feathers."

"But- But you're always going on about how my hair is 'perfect.' Shouldn't- I thought you'd be upset about this."

"Oh, pretty sweet Carlos, your hair  _is_  perfect."

"But it's… It's made of feathers and now it's all grey and that- That doesn't bother you?" It wasn't like Carlos  _overly_  cared about what his partners thought of him, but… Well. He was only human? Ish?

"I told you, it's not all feathers, and it's not going to turn  _into_  all feathers, and it's not grey. Grey is so dull. It's moonlight silver, Carlos." Really, it wasn't like Carlos could stop himself from leaning forward to kiss Cecil after  _that_. Cecil chuckled against him, kissing him back. "It really is lovely, Carlos."

"Oh, well- Good. That- Yeah." And, alright, this was- Well. It was Night Vale. Carlos would adjust.


	2. Correlation (Early Establised Cecilos)

"I think we need to fake some science."

"Carlos, the last time you said that, we got banished to some backwards ass desert city."

"Hey, those results weren't conclusive and you know that." Carlos crossed his arms and stared at the hundreds of pages of transcripts he had painstakingly made for Cecil's radio show. For science. "And we don't really need to  _fake_  science, just some scientific reports."

"Why do we need to fake anything? We've got enough material here to make the entire scientific community collectively scratch their heads for probably a hundred years!"

"True, but it's not the entire scientific community I want to be confused. It's  _Cecil_  who I want confused." Ah, he could feel the concerned looks already. "No, we're not fighting."

"Okay..." Liza looked at him carefully. "Why do you want Cecil confused?"

"Well, less I want him confused and more I want to test something about him." At the curious looks, Carlos grinned. "Haven't you ever wondered how Cecil gets such accurate news?"

"Carlos, we're in Night Vale. I wondered why my cereal whispered to me, this morning."

"You used the chocolate milk again, didn't you? They usually talk at a normal volume when regular milk is used."

"You're way too willing to go along with all this crazy stuff," Frankie pointed out to him.

"It's Night Vale," Carlos shrugged. "You either adapt or you run out of town with your eyes bleeding and your ears ringing. So! Who wants to help me fake an earthquake report?"

Liza stood from her chair. "Yeah, alright. Nothing better to do."

"It will give me something to do while I wait for the bacteria cultures to get done," Frankie admitted. "Fine. We'll help."

Surprisingly, it didn't take very long for the three of them to write up a fake report about the bowling alley collapsing and crumbling from extensive seismic activity. "Right. If my hypothesis is correct, when Cecil reads this, it'll become true."

"Oh, is that what we're doing- Hang on, you're willing to let the bowling alley get destroyed?" Considering that was a place he almost died in, then, yes, he very much was. "Isn't that a little bit much?"

"Well, then, on his next show, we create a news story of the bowling alley being rebuilt, secret miniature city and all," he told them with a shrug.

"We've heard and done weirder," Frankie finally shrugged. "Should one of us run this down to the station, then?"

"I'll go ahead and do it," Carlos quickly volunteered. He was stared at by everyone else with very knowing looks that he refused to acknowledge.

"Have fun visiting your boyfriend then, Carlos."

"This is  _strictly business!_ " None of them looked to believe him for even a second, the traitors. Maybe he needed to hire a new team. Cecil brought his phone out and pressed a few buttons.

" _-to Night Vale._ "

"Right. Someone, station themselves at the bowling alley. Everyone keep the radio on."

"I'll go," Frankie sighed, the others laughing as he and Carlos left the lab. "You know, you could just ask him about all of this."

"But then, it's not science," Carlos told him with a grin.

"Alright. Whatever kinks you two need." With that and a cackle the man was quickly running off.

"Frankie, you-!" Oh, that man... Right. Okay. Just get to the station and place the paper  _in his hand._  No handing it off to an intern.

It didn't take long to get to the station, Carlos doing his best not to get distracted by all the amazing things- Oh, no intern. Hm. Either out or dead. Glancing up at the light, Carlos set his jaw and glanced the door. "Oh, and Carlos has decided to visit, ladies and gentlemen. What's this- Thank you, Carlos." He watched Cecil read over the report, his third eye creepily flicking here and there. Shaking himself off, Carlos quickly turned to leave, closing the door behind himself.

He heard Cecil shuffle through the papers through his phone- "I have just received a report from local Night Vale scientists that there have been massive amounts of seismic activity at the bowling alley, causing it to collapse and... Hang on, ladies and gentlemen. I must make a correction. The bowling alley is completely fine. This science is just  _wrong._  I'll have to tell Carlos later, gently of course..." And off into other news. How did he know?!

There was no way he could have known without having some way to see! Cameras, maybe? A network of thought controlled spiders? Unless... Carlos peered back through the glass. "Carlos is staring at me through the glass of the studio. Hello, Carlos. He is sweet, Night Vale..." Oh, jeez. He wasn't- He wasn't  _staring._  He was just observing, was all, and, alright, maybe he gave a little bit of wave, he was allowed- Did his third eye have something to do with all of this? "Now, onto traffic." Cecil's normal eyes closed, but his third stayed open. "Huh. Alright, well, all seems to be well. Do note that the four and a half foot diameter black hole scheduled for the intersection of Center and Main has unexpectedly increased to twenty feet in diameter. Your local flag waver will be on the spot to help direct traffic. Everyone's local flag waver. All of them are gathered in a circle around the black hole. It's quite brave of them."

Ah, Night Vale. Carlos hated that he kind of loved it more than anything else. Well, he better get back to Frankie and tell him to pack it in back to the labs until they could work on a new theory. Although... the Weather  _would_  be soon. Carlos could probably stick around long enough to say hi. "And this is a note I received earlier this morning from the City Council. Just a reminder that, until those pesky fruit flies have been taken care of, all pears are banned. This  _includes_  any and all pear hybrids, but excludes pear juices. And now, the weather."

The light went off and Carlos opened the door, clearing his throat and, alright. Be charming. "Hi." Okay. He had said worse in his life.

"Hi, Carlos. I don't really know how to tell you this, but it's nothing against you, most people have a little trouble understanding Night Vale-"

"Oh- Oh, no, it's alright, I already knew those results were wrong." ...Shit. Now he had to explain why he gave Cecil fake results.

"Oh, well  _that's_  a relief! I wasn't sure how to tell you gently... You knew they were wrong? Then why did you have me report on it?"

"Oh, uh..." Carlos stared and okay. Distraction time. "Have you eaten at Big Rico's this week, yet?"

"I- Yes?" Now Cecil was frowning at him- That wasn't good, Cecil didn't like frowning.

"I haven't had time yet. Maybe you'd like to come with me after your show? As a date?"

"Well, sure, but  _Los,_  why would you-" His third eye, which had temporarily closed, opened again. "Sorry. The weather is ending, but we'll talk more in just a little bit- Stay here."

"Oh- Oh, yeah. Sure. Okay." Carlos hesitantly crept closer to Cecil's desk to sit in a chair, hoping he wouldn't be too distracting. Would the mic pick up his breathing? Oh, he hoped not.

"During the break, sweet dear Carlos decided to join me in the booth. Say hello to Night Vale, Carlos."

"H- Hi." Did his voice crack? Please, dear gods, please let everyone in Night Vale have gone temporarily deaf.

"Isn't he just the cutest, Night Vale! And his hair is looking especially lovely, today!" ...No it wasn't? Carlos hadn't washed it for  _days._  Honestly, he was still trying to figure out what Cecil saw in him to actually... Well. At least the show would be over soon and Carlos could continue to try and distract Cecil. And it wasn't just Cecil. It was all of Night Vale. If he so much as smiled, some days, people all over town swooned when he looked at them. And he was always getting people telling him how nice his hair was... It was fairly creepy.

Don't get him wrong, it was kind of nice and amazing to be treated like that some days, but most days it felt like it was all some joke. Like someone was going to pull the rug out and all of Night Vale was going to have one big laugh at him. "And now, this week's horoscopes. Taurus, look at yourself in the mirror. Look closer. What do you see? Look closer. What do you not see? Look closer until it is no longer you looking at you."

...What? This was more confusing than when the 'stars' told him that it was the perfect time to ask someone out for a cup of coffee. Although... That had been a nice day. Still. Look in a mirror? Really. He was just- Just  _Carlos_. "And to the Aries, you will be missed. For tonight, at least. Good night, Night Vale. Good night." Cecil seemed to slump a little as the show truly ended, Carlos watching him for a moment before smiling.

"Still up for going to Big Rico's with me? We haven't been able to spend much time together this week and I- Well. I miss you."

"I would love to go to Big Rico's with you. As soon as you tell me why you gave me an incorrect science report to read on air."

"Oh." Right. That. Okay, uh. Excuse. He needed an excuse. "It was for science." Not a lie! Technically not at all a lie!

"Wait... You were doing science... On  _me?!_ "

"I- Ye- Yes. Is that- Should I not- I probably shouldn't have. Or at least told you about it ahead of time." This was just another one of the reasons he had troubles maintaining a relationship. It was just- People were so interesting! He wanted to find out how they worked and why they acted like they did and science could answer all those questions!

"What were you studying?  _Why_  were you studying me? Ooh,  _Carlos!_  You should have said something sooner, I would have mentioned something on the broadcast!"

"No, no, that's- This isn't really something you need to mention on your show. It's- Well." Carlos huffed, thinking over his words before sighing. "I was trying to figure out how you always know what's going on in Night Vale while you're on the air."

"Oh. Well, because she tells me," Cecil answered easily.

"She... tells you. Who is she, exactly?"

"Night Vale, silly Carlos."

"Oh." Night Vale. Night Vale was a living entity that was able to communicate with Cecil and tell him everything that was happening within the boundaries. "Okay." There- There were so many tests he could run- There was so much he had to  _do_!

"So. What do we science first?" Staring at Cecil, Carlos slowly felt himself smile as he moved to where he could give Cecil a quick, fleeting little kiss on the lips.

"Why don't we go eat and you can tell me about your morning. Then we can go science."

"That sounds  _wonderful,_  sweet Carlos."


End file.
